Elitism in BDSM

Elitism In BDSM
This letter was posted to the IMfG mail list on January 30, 1998, which is now part of the POWERotics mail list. Information about that list can be found here.

I did not intend to say much on this list for some time, especially after seeing how many of you are already aquainted or well-known to each other, but this topic and some of the attitudes I've seen towards the so-called vanilla world have been a couple of my pet peeves.

Time and time again, online, in mail lists and on web sites, I have come across the idea that somehow people in D/s relationships or lifestyles are better than those who are not. That they are more open or honest or "real". Sorry folks, but it ain't so.

For starters, as we all know, there are schmucks, assholes, creeps, etc. here just as anywhere else. People in the PE community are no different than anyone else. Honest? Well, the recent discussions on copyright violations give lie to that notion.

Many say that the real difference is in the way we handle our relationships, that we are more open and honest about our feelings, thoughts, goals and desires. We constantly stress the importance of communication and honesty when explaining the dynamics of a PE relationship. Well, I hate to break the news to the Elitists...but those are just as necessary and important in ANY relationship. In fact, I will go so far as to say that a majority of good marriages are, for all intents and purposes, PE relationships. They just do not go to the lengths...or perhaps I should kinks...that some of us do. Does this make them better or worse? No...only different.

As for the honesty part..well, many may disagree with me here, but I contend that those who most loudly proclaim their honesty, who are so quick to say "I NEVER lie to Master..I ALWAYS tell Him exactly what I am thinking and feeling!"..they are living in a fantasy world. I think that they have confused honesty with what they think their Dominant wants to hear. I think this is a human, especially a submissive, characteristic. Such perfection is a goal. The funny part is that this most often comes from "cyber" subs who change collars at the drop of a hat. Pullleeeeese!

Like Al, and like most of the PE people I have met r/l and online, most of my own life takes place in the "vanilla" world. This world includes some wonderfully weird, intelligent and funny people, a husband I love, animals, birds, music, literature, art...well, you get the idea. As for vanilla being bland...well, a rich vanilla ice cream, the real kind where you can see the flecks of the bean in it and it's probably loaded with buttefat and milk and calories....but is there anything so sensual as it gently melts in your mouth, the flavors spreading and gently infusing your tongue...............